The Love of My Life (Part 5)

So how did I get from being nearly crushed under terror to sitting down relaxed, munching on a banana, writing a book about the "unpardonable sin”? Honestly, God used the love of my life to help me in the fight of my life.  My husband Matthias did not save me - Jesus did. But God used my husband to help me understand that Jesus had saved me. I remember our first deep conversation. We were in the same young adults’ Bible study. My sisters and I were hosting a games day for the group. Only girls showed up - all that is, except for Matthias. And, brave soul that he is, he decided to stay. That was a critical maneuver, because that was the day we had our first “real” conversation.

It started with a rattling back and forth about stories, allegorical ones. Matthias told me about the Chuck Black Kingdom series that he so loved, and I told him about the novel I was writing. I was basing it on my own internal struggles, and that kind of somehow led us to talking about what I was enduring in a spiritual sense.

For some reason, I felt like I could trust him, and I ended up telling him what was going on - tears and all. And he didn’t think I was crazy. I really liked that. One thing led to another as God led us to each other, and long, long story short, we were married in about a year’s time.

I was very open with Matthias about my fears, particularly about blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. He told me the same reassuring truths that many other family members had already said, but for whatever reason, he was able to get through to me in a way I had not yet encountered.

I think part of it was the unique emotional romantic relationship between a fiance and his bride to be. It’s not that one should ever base theological conviction on emotion, but sometimes, emotion can cause theological conviction to come alive like a bridge between the head and heart.

The constructs of my biblical belief system were already laid - my head agreed, but my heart lagged behind. Matthias’ love helped bridge the gap. He would say the simplest things: “God loves you and I love you and there is nothing you can ever do to make us love you any more or any less” or “You belong to God and you belong to me”, or “How is it going remembering that you are God’s child today?”

And it all came to a head the day he got down on one knee after a steep hike in minus twenty centigrade on a snowy cliff and pulled out a very unique looking ring. It was shaped like a dove, all sparkly in the middle. 

In shock, I heard, “I don’t deserve you, but I love you very much. Will you marry me?” And as I breathed out my “yes” and he slid the ring onto my finger, he smiled.

“Now I want to show you something,” he grinned. “See how the ring looks like a dove? That’s to remind you that you are sealed by the Holy Spirit. And whenever you feel afraid, I want you to look at your ring and remember that you belong to God and you belong to me.”

I cried my eyes out in joy, and honestly, as I type this, the tears are again flowing because not a day has gone by since he gave me that ring that I haven’t needed that reminder, looked at my ring, and remembered the promise of an eternal Bridegroom who will never divorce His beloved.

And I have to say that, once you get the theology somewhat straightened and biblical, you will know in your head that you don’t need to be afraid, but it will take consistent reminders from the Lord, perhaps daily, perhaps for years, as that awesome truth travels from your mind into your heart, emotions, and thought patterns.

God will use whatever media, tool, language, or method that will resonate with how He has uniquely wired your heart. The truth will be straight from the Bible and the Holy Spirit will orchestrate the whole thing, so it’s not a “your truth, my truth” thing. It’s only that God knows how to uniquely get through to each one of us, using His special method for each heart. And for me, that was Matthias.

So that was a big part of how I came to the place of peace and confidence where I could actually work up the nerve to write something that would bring up all those old fears. But I must say, there were other factors as well. And why even explain? Well, my guess is that you might be able to relate.

You see, Matthias encouraged me to write this book, and I thought, “That’s a great idea, but also kind of scary, so maybe later”. And then I thought, “Okay, I’m ready; I should just write the thing”. And then would you guess, along came another round of that nasty spiritual attack and horrible fear. Yup. Pretty predictable. It’s not like Satan is that original.

So we headed out to our church’s family camp, mid-storm, and I had some amazing conversations about spiritual warfare. I remembered, “Oh yes, the enemy isn’t fond of the idea of me writing this book, and I do still belong to Jesus. I actually need to take a stand and rebuke whatever nasty spirit is whispering these lies and tell it to get lost - in Jesus’ mighty name.” And I had a sister in Christ do that very thing with me. I remember sitting in the warm sand, tears dripping, as my sister in Christ prayed with great authority. I wasn’t in the habit of being so, shall we say, spiritually aggressive. I mean that in the sense of just telling the devil to get lost. I realized I needed to be a bit firmer when it came to spiritual warfare.

And later that evening, the camp speaker gave this old-fashioned altar call where the district pastors were offering to pray for people who God has asked to do something. The criteria for prayer was simple: you are saying yes, or needing to say yes to what He has asked. And I knew that was me. I had literally been talking about the book with my sister in Christ that very day.

And my pastor prayed such a powerful prayer over me - I just couldn’t be the same. And so I started on this book. The reason I share this is that, if you are in the camp of readers who are more or less terrified, as you have breakthroughs, you can expect pushback. As lies are exposed, truth will be tested. When lies receive a blow, you might get whacked too. But don’t be afraid, because there is safety in truth for the one who believes the gospel.

You see, Matthias is the love of my life, but Jesus is the Love who gave me life, and as His love surpasses all others and my affection for Him outranks all expressions of delight, I find that perfect love really truly does cast out fear (1 John 4:18). That’s why I’m writing this book.