Journey Through John (Part 15)

It was not as if any of those principles God showed me during that wonderful time were new to me. They were not rules or direct action steps. They were moments and revelations and feelings. I’ve always been and always will be a firm believer in faith over feelings and truth over emotions, but as a black and white brain, I can easily replace all feeling and emotion with straight principles and then I lose the heart and no real change takes place. It’s like I know the rules of the road but they do not affect my unmeditated impulses behind the wheel.

So how does this reassurance of redemption and assurance of salvation materialize into transformation? Again, I’d be lying if I gave you a step by step process. Resting is both active and passive. If I only champion active, you will be burdened, and if I only champion passive, you will be stuck.

My idea is thus to share my rehabilitation journey. What do I mean by this? Well, when the Lord began to help me see some of the things I’ve shared in this book, I was truly encouraged. I had real hope from the Bible that I could still go to Heaven and be with Jesus there forever. That was wonderful. But my heart was not yet fully on board. The Lord led me to study the book of John. That’s the cliche baby believer book, but perhaps in that sense, that’s exactly what I was. I was not a baby believer in Jesus, but I was a baby believer in the idea that I was not unpardonable but actually savable.

As I read slowly through John, I had a sweet journaling Bible in which I wrote a series of poems. I’d like to end this book by inviting you to walk with me through some of the highlights of my journey through John, specifically in how they relate to resting in the Lord.

It began with the end of Summer camp at Rock Nest Ranch Bible Camp. I had decided that I would start reading through John just as soon as my time as a cabin leader was complete. The kids had been memorizing a verse about having the right to be a child of God. The phrase struck me as a poignant testament to my reality as God’s child - that it’s my right, a right that I can champion in the face of Satan’s oppression. It’s like a civil right, but deeper because it’s my spiritual right.

The phrase was already percolating through my head “the right to be a child of God”... Can you imagine my wonder when the day after camp ended, I sat down to open up John, and right there in the first chapter, I’m reading: “But to all who did receive Him, who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God” (John 1:12). I fell apart. God was speaking to me through His Word. And in that moment, a nice cozy truth became a literal burning part of me. I felt it. And it became mine. Here’s what I later wrote about that beautiful reality:

“Most rights are temporal. They must be fought for, won, defended, and obtained through protest. They may be generally understood and self-evident, but they often remain aloof due to the selfishness of mankind. But I have a right that can never be relinquished. To all, that is every solitary soul who received Jesus, this concrete, solidified right has been given and secured. To all, that is, whoever believes in the name of Jesus, this right is guaranteed. It is independent of status, citizenship, nationality, or history. And the future cannot unravel it. It’s my right too. Other rights, I might not have forever. Some rights depend on my geography. I find Satan enjoys disputing my right, telling me that there’s a loophole and that I’m disqualified. But the criteria for my right is simple: believe and receive. For this is my cherished right: not to safety, freedom, a vote, a voice, or even life itself; not the the pursuit of my own earthly happiness, and not to a fair trial - my right, my  unbreakable, untakeable, indisputable right is this - to be a child of God! God is the Giver, Defender, and Keeper of my right. He fought for it - with His own precious blood. Through Him, I am safe and free forever. I have eternal life and pleasures at His right hand. I stand in God’s courtroom where I should be condemned, but oh the glory that Jesus paid my debt and calls me His! So I’m one with the most privileged and powerful right. That’s why it makes sense that I should give up my earthly rights when I’m forced to choose between obeying man or God. This is why I’m not afraid to truly live. This is why I am not afraid to die. Will you claim your right too? To all who did receive Him, who believed in His name, He lovingly lavished the right to become children of God - and so we are!”

So the first directive to rest within the book of John that God highlighted to me was that He is calling me to rest in my right to be His child. Another highlight was when I read about Jesus walking on the water in John 6. The terror the disciples experienced reminded me ever so much of the waves of anxiety that had threatened to capsize my own faith. As the Holy Spirit helped me digest the true tale of epic proportions, this poem emerged:

“The winds, they whip in frenzied fury

Waves that lash against the hull

In a blurred vision

I can feel imagination’s pull

Lo, I dare to scarce believe it

Image blessed to straining eyes

Not a substance I’ve procured

But Someone Who has heard my cries

Fear envelopes all my aching

Better bear the blows alone

For the Figure fast approaching

Holds a power I’ve not known

I dread addition of affliction

Yet I can’t escape allure

Is this a dream? Yet I’m awakened

Something's changing - this is sure

Then the sound begins to travel

Echoes of a safer hour

Tone is confident and graceful

Camber dripping with deep power

Only One has ever sounded

Pure and kind, so strong and wise

Could it be - now is it He?

A costly hope to realize

If it’s not Jesus, all is lost

I tremble lest I be denied

Then comes the call across the water

“Do not fear for it is I”

Sometimes, resting in Jesus means sinking into His salvation and placing my hope onto Him despite the feeling of risk that if He denies me, I’m done for. Honestly, that’s the situation we are all in - but the glory of the gospel is that Jesus will not deny us, and that still small voice beckoning us into grace really truly is His Holy Spirit. We can rest in that.

Another story that stirred my imagination and so entangled my emotions deeper into the truth that I was savable was John 8:12-30, the story of the woman caught in adultery. I felt just like her. Here’s how it looked in my mind’s eye:

“Welcome to the breaking point

You broken spirit - you

Whose glory’s lying in the dust

And all you hear is true

Reminders of the folly

And the shame now unreserved

Oh my soul, so this is what

It feels like to be cursed

But part of you is still

And even tempered neath the blows

And you aren’t crushed by consequence

Of folly that you chose

For you should now be hopeless

And weeping bitter tears

The ones I see hold sorrow

But they haven’t any fears

What hidden light can you now see?

What declaration hear?

For now stand your accusers

And bitterness draws near

For has no one condemned you?

I hear the cruelest taunts

Your enemy still roars to God 

Of all that is in want

When you hated your own soul

When you broke God’s law and heart

When you mocked your Savior’s goodness

When you tore the truth apart

So why that tearful glimmer?

Don’t you hear the lion’s roar?

Satan has a claim against you:

You can’t have God anymore

And yet the stones are dropping

One by one against the rocks

Dust is swirling, feet are shuffling

Dry particles block

Any view of what’s transpired

Oh, but some lone Figure’s here

My soul, what are you gazing at?

The Image yet unclear

‘Woman, now where are they?

Those accusers of your soul?

Where is the clever serpent?

The stones that take their toll?

For has no one condemned you?’

Now He smiles and you try

But can’t for shame that now explodes

And tries to mortify

Any dignity that was a fleeting hope

But all in vain

For now, you’re seeing Jesus

And you hear Him call your name

‘Go and sin no more

For see, I’ve taken all the sting

You’ll never know those rocks

But you will always know your King

For when you couldn’t bear it

I took your place to die

For has no one condemned you?

Daughter, so neither do I’”

This story in John 8 taught me that to rest in Jesus is to truly receive His forgiveness and to know deep in my heart that He has not condemned me. Once I accept that I am forgiven, I am free to actually receive Jesus’ love, and oh what a marvelous love! As I read John 15:13 about Jesus’ “greater love”, these words came to remind me to rest in it:

“There is a love that’s running deep

It’s gushing from the Savior

How could I pine for lesser love? 

For O, this love is greater!

Before He formed the starry hosts

He forged a love for later

Through which He’s set this prisoner free

And O, His love is greater!

He set His love upon my soul

And since He is my Maker

He makes His love abide in me

And says His love is greater!

It’s greater than my greatest pain

It reaches every hater

I love because my Lord loved me

I know His love is greater!

I’m not afraid to follow Him 

Who washed the feet of traitors

I’ll follow in His footsteps

Yet indeed, His love is greater!

He formed and loved His bride, the Church 

Laid down His life to save her

O what a Husband! What a heart! 

For me, a love that’s greater!

And if I know these precious things

And know the Demonstrator

Then let me do them

Ever blessed to live a love that’s greater

For here, I’m humbled

As I fall in love with my Creator

And yet, I rise in love divine

O Love of mine, You’re greater!”

I suppose that the truest, most helpful thing I could write is also that which will sound most cliche: rest in God’s love. I could not ask you to do that in the first chapter of this book before the foundation was laid. It is not helpful to hear “rest in God’s love” if you don’t actually believe that you are legally justified in Heaven’s throne room. As has been stated before, God loves everyone, but not everyone is going to Heaven. However, after you have proper theology, after you realize that you are forgiven by God, the only hope you have of receiving that truth as emotional reality in your heart is to rest in God’s love.

Honestly, I’ve been a rather miserable failure at doing that, but God continues to patiently teach me how loving and tender He is. It keeps surprising me. I suppose that by now, I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am - and I always will be.