"When God the Father holds my hand, it's impossible to feel all that pride, shame, and guilt. There's only humility, glory, and freedom. There's grace - real steadfast grace!"
Have you ever known in your head that you are forgiven but still felt guilty? I’ve dealt with that a lot and it’s terrible. You feel like the victim and the villain all at once. I think there are two main traps that snag us into guilt: shame and pride.
Shame can go one of two ways: it can be real remorse, a result of discipline, and a kindness that leads us to repentance or it can be hardened into condemnation from the enemy that drives us to despair. 2 Corinthians 7:10 explains this really well: “For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.”
Did you catch the phrase “without regret”? This is specifically talking about the context of church discipline and not regretting temporal punishment that leads to restoration. That punishment would have caused shame at first, but it was a kind of shame that led to repentance and healing and forgiveness and then everyone could move on and start fresh.
But there is a nasty kind of shame that leads to condemnation and its biggest hallmark is hopelessness. Now that can be hopelessness in the sense of “I won’t be forgiven for this” or hopelessness in the sense of “I ruined things so badly that they will never heal” or even in the sense of “I’ll never be able to change”. That’s all negative shame that Christ died to remove. That is wonderful news. And the cross is all we need to remove our shame.
We’re typically able to identify when shame is causing us to feel guilty even when we’ve been forgiven. But pride as a cause of feeling guilty is a lot harder to detect. Here’s how I think of it.
As a kid, when I did something wrong and I knew I was being disciplined, there were a few tactics that I thought could be employed to get me out of trouble. If I acted really really sorry, then maybe I wouldn’t be punished. If that failed, plan B was a bit different. If I acted like I didn’t care about consequences, like they didn’t bother me, then I felt quite dignified in my sin. But if that wasn’t working either, plan C was to be so angry at myself that my parents would feel bad for me and not punish me because I had already done an apt job of punishing myself. I may not have been able to verbalize all that, but it’s actually just human nature. And typically, my parents could see through my tactics. Sometimes, my antics nearly appeared comical, but deep-rooted, they caused later issues.
You see, sometimes, I do that with God. I know I’ve sinned, but I don’t want God to discipline me, to refine my heart. Instead, I get so angry at myself, so that instead of convicting me, the Holy Spirit will only speak words of comfort. But of course, God can’t be manipulated. He sees right through me. It’s actually pride that causes me to be so angry at myself, so ashamed. It keeps me feeling guilty. I’d rather take correction from myself than take it from God, but the problem is that I’m brutal on myself in contrast to God’s correction which is much more loving than my own.
I’m relying on my own understanding: “God, You don’t understand - my sin is too bad for You to forgive.” But of course, that’s a lie. It’s far better to just submit to God’s conviction and accept His forgiveness in humility.
That’s all my parents ever wanted for me - and I had some wonderful experiences of that as a child - correction, forgiveness, and restoration. That’s what God wants for us as our heavenly Father too.
So feeling guilty after God has forgiven us can come from shame or pride - but neither need keep us from God’s love and forgiveness. The cross justifies us, freeing us from shame, and the cross humbles us, freeing us from pride.
I remember realizing that sometimes, a guilty conscience is also due to stubbornness. If I’ve asked for forgiveness and God has answered me but I still don't feel forgiven, I’ve got to rest in Him.
I recall one night when I was asking God to free me from doubt and was confessing my sin of not trusting Him like I should have been. I came across an uncomfortable analogy that was totally foreign to anything I had ever experienced, but one that I believed was a gift from God. And though it was kind of scary, I knew I needed to remember it, so the next morning, I wrote this in my journal:
“My doubts and fears are like a whipping. I’m longing for relief and the pain is too much for me. The enemy keeps striking me, but I’m not helpless, nor innocent.
I had a large part in getting here. You see, I’m actually the one twisting the cords - these bitter doubts that entangle so sharply. If I stop twisting the cords, the enemy will have nothing with which to hit me. Yet I somehow busy myself by creating these whips so he can use them. I want to stop, but I can’t just keep my hands idle. See, these hands of mine are always busy, the outworking of my restless mind. Since I can’t just stop thinking, I need to redirect my creative ambitions. Rather than spending all this energy on twisting these bitter cords, I need to focus on Jesus and busy my hands with His work instead.
I’m actually helping my enemy when I make the whips of doubt. He gets to be lazy because I’m helping orchestrate my own torture. Then I cry out to God, begging for release when He’s already freed me! That’s so foolish… So why do I ever spend my time in any other way except in fascination with the gospel?
If I stop twisting whips of doubt and fear, the enemy won’t necessarily stop striking me (he’ll find some other way) - but it won’t sting the same way anymore because his weapon will be quite pitiful. The only real weapon that I actually fear anymore is the lie that I don't belong to Jesus. When I trust that I am actually a child of God, temporary pain is fine. That's easy enough for God to help me endure. But this condemnation and accusation against eternal salvation - I cannot bear it! And yet, I keep twisting the cords…
So I’m the problem?! That’s hard to hear when I’m crying out to God in deep pain. But it’s also good news because I can choose to submit to Christ and receive the comfort of His Holy Spirit. And really, He’s the One grabbing my hands so that I can’t keep twisting. If I’m holding His hand, I can’t possibly make a whip - my hands are too busy clinging to His strong grasp. And besides, I love Him so much that I’d really love to always hold His hand and enjoy His smile - and I do, but often through waves of internal agony.
He doesn’t want that agony for me. Now, He doesn’t mind me experiencing pain. Obviously pain is bound to happen while I’m on earth. And that's okay with me and it’s okay with Him. But, He’s absolutely not okay with that pain deriving from a scourge of condemnation! And why would He not be okay with it? - Because He already bore that!
It’s dishonoring to Him when I submit to a flogging that He already bore in my place. I do not want to insult my Savior! So by enjoying God and entering into His rest (which I have done, but long to do fuller), I honor Him. And by honoring Him, I am healed from this anguish of doubt and fear.
But oh how hard I find this! Thank You Holy Spirit that it is Your strength that accomplished trust, rest, and freedom. I do not submit to the scourge of condemnation as if quietly kneeling beneath it is somehow virtuous - it’s not! It’s just foolish! But I do submit to Your kindness and healing. I set my gaze upon Jesus - His anguish, and not mine - His agony for my sake so that I no longer bear it. I’m done twisting these cords and I give my hands to You. Hold them, and hold me.
In Your name, Jesus, Amen!”
When God the Father holds my hand, it's impossible to feel all that pride, shame, and guilt. There's only humility, glory, and freedom. There's grace - real steadfast grace!
And so it was that the analogy became part of my personal arsenal against the enemy’s accusations. It is important to emphasize that one of Satan’s main tactics is to accuse Christians of not being saved. This is nothing new. Back in the Old Testament when God’s people were returning from their exile to Babylon, they were restarting, and Satan was trying to get in there and accuse them. Their idolatrous past was dirty. They didn’t deserve to start over - both God and Satan knew this. Zechariah was a prophet who received a vision of their high priest Joshua. The high priest was the mediator between the people and God, a symbol of God’s relationship with the whole nation of Israel.
Here’s what Zechariah saw:
“Then he showed me Joshua the high priest standing before the angel of the Lord, and Satan standing at his right hand to accuse him. And the Lord said to Satan, “The Lord rebuke you, O Satan! The Lord who has chosen Jerusalem rebuke you! Is not this a brand plucked from the fire?” Now Joshua was standing before the angel, clothed with filthy garments. And the angel said to those who were standing before him, “Remove the filthy garments from him.” And to him he said, “Behold, I have taken your iniquity away from you, and I will clothe you with pure vestments.” And I said, “Let them put a clean turban on his head.” So they put a clean turban on his head and clothed him with garments. And the angel of the Lord was standing by.
And the angel of the Lord solemnly assured Joshua, “Thus says the Lord of hosts: If you will walk in my ways and keep my charge, then you shall rule my house and have charge of my courts, and I will give you the right of access among those who are standing here. Hear now, O Joshua the high priest, you and your friends who sit before you, for they are men who are a sign: behold, I will bring my servant the Branch. For behold, on the stone that I have set before Joshua, on a single stone with seven eyes, I will engrave its inscription, declares the Lord of hosts, and I will remove the iniquity of this land in a single day. In that day, declares the Lord of hosts, every one of you will invite his neighbor to come under his vine and under his fig tree” (Zechariah 3).
There’s so much to glean in this chapter! By accusing the high priest, Satan is accusing the whole nation. What right do they have to commune with God after they’ve blown it? This is his tactic with all of God’s people. Notice who rebukes Satan. It’s the Lord! Jesus stands at our defense, ready to refute the accusations of the enemy. This is what God declares: “The Lord rebuke you, O Satan! The Lord who has chosen Jerusalem rebuke you! Is not this a brand plucked from the fire?”
This is for us as God’s people as well. Here’s how it sounds personally. Put your own name in where I put mine and let it sink deep into your heart what Jesus is declaring: “The Lord rebuke you, O Satan! The Lord who has chosen Makayla rebuke you! Is not she a brand plucked from the fire?”
How’s that for declaring that His child is not going to hell! Isn’t it wonderful to hear Jesus talking like that! This is how He is calling us to talk too!
See how Joshua’s filthy garments are removed as the stain of guilt washes away. But what is the basis for such dramatic pardon and defense? Take a close look at the end of the passage. “For behold, on the stone that I have set before Joshua, on a single stone with seven eyes, I will engrave its inscription, declares the Lord of hosts, and I will remove the iniquity of this land in a single day.”
Think of the stone as Jesus, the Chief Cornerstone (1 Peter 2:6). Now in the context of Jesus, read the prophecy as Messianic: “I will remove the iniquity of this land in a single day”. And then can you hear Jesus cry out from the cross: “It is finished!” (John 19:30)
So God could rebuke Satan’s accusation on account of His own sacrifice, when He removed the sins of His people!
The lyrics of this modern hymn express it beautifully:
“The blood of Jesus speaks for me
Be still my soul redeeming love
Out of the dust of Calvary
Is rising to the throne above
There is no vengeance in His cry
While it is finished fills the sky
Forgiveness is the final plea
The blood of Jesus speaks for me
My heart can barely take it in
He pardons all my guilty stains
Surrender all my shame to Him
He breaks the curse of ev'ry chain
My sin is great but greater still
The boundless grace His heart reveals
A mercy deeper than the sea
The blood of Jesus speaks for me
When my accuser makes the claim
That I should die for my offense
I point him to that rugged frame
Where I found life at Christ's expense
See from His hands His feet His side
The fountain flowing deep and wide
Oh hear it shout the victory
The blood of Jesus speaks for me” (Cottrell)
The beginning of that final verse is right along the lines of what we find in Zechariah 3. Also, take a look at another mountain of an anthem, Before the Throne of God Above:
“Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea:
A great High Priest whose name is Love,
Who ever lives and pleads for me.
My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart.
I know that while in Heav'n He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart.
When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see him there,
Who made an end of all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died,
My sinful soul is counted free,
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.
Behold Him there, the risen Lamb,
My perfect, spotless righteousness,
The great unchangeable I AM,
The King of glory and of grace.
One with Himself I cannot die;
My soul is purchased by his blood.
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ, my Savior and my God. (Smith)
I’d like to highlight one last song; again, it’s from the “hippie theologian”, Don Frascisco
“Sittin' by my window
On a rainy afternoon
Everything inside my head
Was playin' outta tune
I was thinkin' of the fool I'd made
Of me the night before
In front of God and everyone
I'd sinned and sinned some more
Well, I thought of all the things I'd done
I winced at things I'd said
I wallowed in self pity
I hung my worried head
Right when I was so far down
Even up looked wrong
That's when Jesus gave to me
The chorus of this song
He said, Satan, the accuser
Has been whisperin' in your ear
You just tell him you're forgiven
He's got no business here
Cause it doesn't matter what you've done
It matters what you'll be
There is no condemnation
When the Son has set you free
Well I could say that right away
The sun bursts through the clouds
And I just started singin' on
That chorus right out loud
But actually I moped around
And blew another day
Before I let myself accept the words
I'd heard Him say
He said, Satan, the accuser
Has been whisperin' in your ear
You just tell him you're forgiven
He's got no business here
Cause it doesn't matter what you've done
It matters what you'll be
There is no condemnation
When the Son has set you free
So I can't criticize you now
If you wanna take your time
Cling to all your problems
Just the way I'd come to mine
But now you got the answer
Jesus wanted you to know
He'll take your sin and guilt away
If you'll just let Him go
And if Satan the accuser
Has been whisperin' in your ear
You just tell him you're forgiven
He's got no business here
Cause it doesn't matter what you've done
It matters what you'll be
There is no condemnation
When the Son has set you free
There is no condemnation
When the Son has set you free”
It’s nearly hard to imagine what it sounds like as Jesus defends us against Satan’s accusations. But then again, is it really that hard to believe? If Jesus was willing to die for us and go through all that trauma, will He not also defend our right to walk in the freedom He has purchased for us?
Paul really digs into this in Romans 8, arguing:
“What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us” (Romans 8:31-34).
As a young girl, I had a very skewed view of these verses. Shortly after I had read the passage about blasphemy against the Holy Spirit for the first time, I began to read through Romans, searching for help. The Bible version I was reading at the time said:
“Who is He who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us.”
Here’s how my extremely literal and panic stricken mind read this: “Who is He who condemns? It is Christ”. I read it to be saying the complete opposite of what it truly means! It’s really quite sad. The verse scared me so much and I thought that Jesus might really be going to condemn me.
Then, the verses went on to talk about how nothing could separate us from the love of Christ. It seemed like such a contradiction, “but maybe”, one could muse, “that’s just for people who haven’t blasphemed the Holy Spirit, and since God might not love me anymore, He’s going to condemn me”. That’s heavy for an eleven year old - or for a twenty three year old - or for anybody.
But in context, Romans 8 is actually saying that if Jesus went to all the trouble to save us, if we ask Him, He is so totally, definitely, absolutely going to save us. Who can bring a charge against us if Jesus is the One who died for us to justify us? - That’s what that verse is actually saying.
And the day the Holy Spirit first opened my eyes to actually realize what that verse was saying, I wept like I was the happiest person alive. Maybe I was. You can be too!
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